Honestly today is going to go one of two ways: I’ll muster the gumption to go buy sweet potatoes, prepackaged bread cubes, green beans, blah, blah, etc., or just sip chardonnay and microwave a Weight Watchers frozen dinner. Don’t misunderstand. I know it’s a big holiday but I don’t have the energy {insert the “why bother” haze of depression} to pull it off like I used to back in the days of coupledom. Why, I’ve been known to graciously and effortlessly serve 10 at our table. And by ‘our table’ I reference a partnered life from long ago. Le sigh.

I always wanted to own special Thanksgiving dinnerware but never quite got around to justifying that purchase. Oh, I have gorgeous, stunning china already but the turkey emblazoned dinner plates have always been on my ‘must own’ list of shit. That ship, like the pilgrims, has sailed.

I have no need for turkey dinnerware nowadays. And my for reals good china (READ: Rosenthal, betch) remains in a box from moving day 10+ years ago. Each plate is individually boxed, too. Part of me relishes that it hasn’t been unearthed for some time. There’s a bit of thrill with the knowledge that should I wake up dead my family will peel back the yellowing packing tape and ponder “Who is ver-sayse?” Well-meaning acquaintances joke that all my crap will end up in a yard sale: “Uh, this here stuff with a medusa head on it…we’re askin’ a dollar.”  And that will be the moment Hell freezes with fabulous moi skating the river Styx.

I used the word “acquaintances” as ‘friend’ is harder to come by at this age. And by this age I mean somewhere between knowing the significance of Dallas, November 22nd and a corner room with a nice view in some assisted living complex out by the lake. While I can count innumerable acquaintances in my life, valued/trusted friends are limited and harder to grow. I royally fucked up the last true friendship about 5-years ago. And while some suggest I merely pick up the phone to make amends please reference that “Hell freezes” footnote. Oh, don’t hate on me: I did write a note of apology. I did. Yes. But that’s as far as I’ll venture. I’m very much like mother in this regard. She will sit home today, too, minus any table laden with her cooking surrounded by raucous laughter of family and friends. And by her choosing, I might add. So I have no guilt in this area of alone at the holiday. None.

But that is where today’s struggle comes in. I can go get the groceries and prep a meal for one or sit and stare out the window, streaming tunes, with a better chardonnay. Well. Hmmm. This post is beginning to veer maudlin and no one needs a sad serving of that today. Imma take a break. Maybe I’ll be back once I’ve showered and killed a pot of coffee over at PornHub.

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