Well this is me procrastinating. My goal today seemed so concrete as I drifted off to sleep last night. My best plans are made right before I cross over from the nervous reality of being awake to sleep mode with all reality suspended. What few hours I do sleep are often peppered with absurd and unbelievable dream states. Recently I gave a foot massage to a well-known home shopping channel host; I think I had a boner. I know, right? Call the doctors. But he’s very handsome, half my age, and I think we’d be the most awesome social scene gay couple in Palm Springs!

Today I will head out to fight the crowds of shoppers again; yesterday’s trek into department store holiday hell was fairly easy. I had a list and kept to it. Now is not the time to browse for ideas. Now is the time to grab it and wrap it. And invariably this time of year I see so much shit that I WANT. But I do manage to pass it by cuz tis’ the season to think of others. But it was just as hard and shaky for me to let go of the Ralph Lauren fake Chinese porcelain end table lamp as it must be for a recovered drunk to walk past the town liquor store. And it was such a great “compare at” price tag, too. But then I really don’t need another lamp. But then… Ralph Lauren. So there’s that. FML

I can tell that I need to snap a Xanax in half to head out today. The crazy nerves of getting shit done as well as escalating Christmas expectations are mounting. My best holidays are where I’m able to keep expectations at zero. That way if a kind neighbor knocks with a jar of marmalade Christmas day I’m pleasantly surprised and delighted that anyone should care. But this year is different: I’m running a non-stop mental list of folks who I think will gift me a lil’ something. And I need to shut that down. It’s toxic thought to have any expectations come Christmas…particularly at this age. On the other hand, maybe I’d feel better with that Ralph Lauren lamp. It could happen; I’ll add it to my list.

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