Ahhh, dear reader…has it been nearly a quarter year and some change since I last logged in? Why, yes. Yes it has.

And while all half-dozen of you who may still sweep by this site to see if I walk among the living have probably forgotten that I exist I am here to remind you that I do, in fact, remain upright and fairly well-groomed to embrace each day with a modicum of ‘are you fucking kidding me’ angst. It’s the times we live in. The outright hatred and intolerance for any opposing viewpoint nowadays is this decade’s defining moment.

As Charles Dickens penned: “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” Or whatever that goddamn quote is from ‘The Tale of Two Cities.’ I can’t be expected to remember it at this age. Plus it reminds me of my high school senior english class and the old dust bag goat of a teacher who painted on her eyebrows. She presented to the world a constant state of perplexed surprise and I still have nightmares that I’m being chased down a long hallway of lockers with a pointy black brow pencil. But I digress.

Today the deli girl left the swiss cheese off of my sandwich order; just a wee bit ago I felt like a bit of lite nosh and hence the visit to my corner deli. The missing sandwich cheese is inexcusable as– to be frank and blunt, it’s not like I asked her for a NASA launch equation. How fucking challenging is it to recall ‘smoked turkey with swiss?’ But alas, no swiss. And since I’m far too well known to tweet my grievances I’ve chosen to land here with the unbearable agony of it all, dear reader.

Because I know you would feel the same way about the absent swiss cheese. Naturally when I discovered the missing cheese my first insightful thought was a rousing personal affront: “Go back to where you came from you dumb whore bitch.” But, again– these times that we live in, are at best, so fraught with like-minded sentiment that my curmudgeon rage would surely not even register a blasé eye roll. I will do the next best thing: the next time I order a deli sandwich I will wear my ‘I don’t really care. Do you?’ first lady jacket and show her tatted ass a thing or two. Because this is America. Home of the bravado and land of the cheese.