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Come sit by me. I have nothing nice to say about anything today. I woke with a sense of foreboding and unease. Actually I sprang from bed as my left leg cramped with that frozen taunt muscle thang that is generally attributed to lack of potassium. I’d buy bananas to remedy that if I wasn’t such a complete dullard with eating fruits and vegetables before they turn bad. Historically I buy three bananas—eat one, and watch the other two turn spotty brown before tossing them in the garbage. My new favorite thing to force rot are lemons.

I buy a couple lemons every other week with plans to prepare a proper tea at 4pm daily. Then I forget to make tea thus ignoring the lemons. But they look nice on my kitchen countertop before they shrivel and harden. Plus there’s the assumed advantage that should I be found dead in my rental flat the emergency techs will note that they’re not just handling the stiff remains of just any work-from-home hooligan but of someone refined enough to host tea time with biscuits. But I digress.

I scrolled my INSTA feed into the wee hours this morning. The algorithms feed me shit ranging from luxe interior design and farm animals being funny to rich Asians showcasing robust wealth within their walk-in closets. I also get the surviving cancer reels with a sprinkle of preaching televangelist to keep me in check. I do have many blessings and I have to check myself on occasion when “poor me” comes knocking via a fucking table-side photo op of the swells that I used to run with. Folks have forgotten how much arugula I’ve eaten to cure (insert cause).

Meh. I don’t care. Been there and done that as the expression goes. And its not them. It’s me. And why wouldn’t I be cranky and tired? In the space of two years my exBF succumbed to stage IV cancer; a longtime friend died from an inoperable brain tumor. Mother died. And when that news arrived it was received with zero emotion as if a passerby stranger said “you dropped something” that way it happens in airports sometimes when one is racing to a gate.

But I’m not racing anywhere today. Today I am waiting. I sit and bang out a few corporate emails with the knowledge that I am spotty and rotting right in front of my own eyes.